Self censorship.

I got home today completely exhausted. I attempted to lay down and take a nap (with the tv on) and failed miserably. I stumbled on this show, Bettheny  Getting Married? I have never watched it before, but I tuned into the part where she was in a fashion show with other celebrities and talked about the fact she wasn't 22 doing this, she was 39. Wow, that touched something deep down inside. I have a lot of dreams left over from childhood that I think I keep on the back burner because I think I've waited to long. I'm too old. I'm only 32. Why is it that sometimes I feel like I wasted all my "opportunity years." How crazy is that? I've spent the last two years learning to be more positive. Learning to walk by faith. Learning to remove all barriers and live the life I want to live, but secretly I am still doubting myself. What a revelation when all I really wanted was a nap. I needed that. I have had a day dealing with "grown up" issues like mortgages, bills, day job, schedules, etc. I actually let them stress me out? Not even listening to my own advice. So, I took the advice of a very special person, pulled out my journal and let it all out. All of it. For the first time I wrote without any censors. I have had journals my whole life. Most of them torn up or thrown away afraid to go back and read all of the horrible words in those notebooks. But even when I was writing,  I didn't let myself write down my real feelings. Not all of them. I used code words as if I were hiding from myself. So tonight was my first night of real journaling. Raw thoughts and emotions. Uncensored. Hiding nothing from myself. Everyday you learn a lesson. Today I am applying it. This journey looks like it will be a good one.