One of those days...

Today was hectic, long and at times annoying. I am grateful for every minute of it. I am truly blessed. God is good all the time.

Construction

It's funny how life happens. My closest friends are all going through some sort of re-construction phase in their lives. Me included. All for different reasons, but all very life changing experiences. It's not due to environment, because we are all spread out across the country. So maybe it's the age thing. Maybe this is what really happens in your 30s when you look back at your 20s and realize you are not the person you envisioned you would be. But who ever said that person you saw when you were 20 was really the person you were supposed to be at 30? What did you really know about yourself at 20? Exactly. So you made dumb choices and wonder where the time went. We all do. Some of us are still making the SAME dumb choices. That is how you get stuck. Learn from it and you will break the pattern. Anyway, my inner re-construction has caused me to re-construct the external space around me. Not only clearing more space to make room for those blessing waiting for me, but creating brand new spaces. New spaces for new phases in my life. Only this time, I know exactly who I am supposed to be right now. What do I see at 40? I think I will let that be a surprise. Can't wait to see though. 

Do you think you know me?

Now that my children are involved in various activities, I seem to get the exact same question by the established circle of "Moms" followed by the exact same looks. Particularly, when my teenage daughter randomly decides to support her brother's current activity. One of the "Moms" finally gets the nerve to ask in some I'm trying not to be obvious way "Is that your daughter?" When they get the answer they already knew, it is followed by "I thought she was your sister." Then, "You must have been really young." Immediately, their eyes go straight to my left hand. No, I'm not married. And never have been. I watch their imagination take flight, so I thought it might be useful to re-introduce myself. I am not just the "young" single mom. I am the girl that lived in a trailer park and got pregnant in high school. I am the one that had the crazy, abusive boyfriend. I had the second child with baby daddy #2. Neither bd's are in our lives. No father in my life, but he didn't leave us. He died. Guess you could say he left as he died from not taking care of his health, but not the stereotypical black men don't take care of their kids leaving. He was educated. A pharmacist. A veteran. Also, a cheater. But that's another story. I guess karma is a bitch. Anyway back to me. I spent a lot of time running the streets. I know too much about guns and drugs. I have four tattoos. At one point, even had my eyebrow pierced. I could go on. Confirm all of their assumptions. But that is just a small part of my story. I also have three college degrees. I am an adjunct professor and love to teach. I work at an advertising agency in a director level position. I recycle. I eat mostly organic foods. My children are both straight A students, athletes and artists. They don't talk back, throw fits or act ungrateful. We take vacations to new places every year and I make sure they learn something while we are there. You can find us at a bookstore at least once a week. We read several books a month. I bought a house for my mother. I could go on here too, but you get the point. We are so quick to judge, to assume. As the old saying goes, you should never judge a book by its cover. You don't know what people have been through or what they have accomplished until you get to know them. Take the time to find out. In most cases, you will be surprised.

Open book

I got some new ink this past weekend. My own visual interpretation of  2 Corinthians 5:7. It is the foundation of how I am trying to live my life. I really love it. Shot out to Joe Vegas at 13 Roses in East Atlanta. I will be back for more. I also recently started a new writing class. I am not happy with myself if I am not taking a class or teaching one. So right now I'm in my happy place. My 30s are not at all what I expected them to be. If you have been following me, you have had glimpses of the ups and downs. I've shared parts of my growth. I realize that I haven't been documenting all that I should. I haven't been sharing all of my "chronicles." I know there are lessons in my omissions and I'm sure there are many of you who can relate.  So I will do a better job sharing those lessons. In some cases, I may change the names or locations to protect the innocent. :) Take this as a warning: If you are in my life, you may end up on my blog. I'm learning a lot about love lately. Mostly that what I thought was love in the past wasn't. Or maybe it was but the people involved, myself included, just didn't know how to express it right. Or maybe we knew but were too scared or too selfish to. All in all, I am in a great place in my life. There will always be challenges. It's how we overcome those challenges that makes us who we are. So moving forward, my book is open, not just cracked. Feel free to follow as I stumbled through the scenes, pages and chapters.

Change

There are times in life when you have to make changes. Some are planned, some are forced. Sometimes life puts you in a place where you need to re-evaluate everything you thought you knew and discover what really is. Sometimes you realize you only saw what you wanted to see or heard what you wanted to hear. All the while ignoring what you really felt. That knowing deep down inside that we tend to ignore if it some way interferes with what we think we want at that moment. It's when we really learn how to tune into this knowing, sometimes called intuition, we begin to see that God has always been there to guide us. We just have to make the choice to follow Him. It's that whole free will thing and making our own decisions that sometimes messes us up. Until the point in life where you are forced to make a change. If you really pay attention to that moment and the lesson in it, you will be grateful for it.

Turning the other cheek....

Is not an easy thing to do. We expect that people will treat us with the same respect we treat them. We expect that people we are there for be there for us. We expect the people we love to love us back. The problem is most of the time people don't live up to your expectations. So we get mad, feel hurt, want to punish them for not being who or what we want them to be. But if you really think about it, they probably showed you who they really were from the very start. But you brushed it off, thought they would change. Made excuses for it. We all do it. Until one day we learn the lesson that the only person you can set expectations for is yourself. All you can do is pray for everyone else and lead by example.

What a week...

From MIA tenants, relationships pushed to the edge, rush projects to 12 hour work days, lost dogs and missed appointments. This has been a week. But I know the worst storms produce the best rainbows and the hardest rain produces the best gardens so let it rain, can't wait to see what blooms.

What a day...

If God tested you the same day the devil tried you it would probably look similar to my day today. But I thank God for blessing me with it. Learned some more lessons, spent time with my son and came home a house full of everything I need. I'm grateful. No matter what, God is good all the time.

The realist ish I ever wrote...

I've seen many things in my life. Survived even more. I know what it's like to watch your father die, when you are not old enough to understand death. I know what it's like to watch your mother lose herself at that same moment. I know what it's like being forced to deal with the random men that follow that kind of heart break. I know how it feels to be the one that doesn't match, doesn't fit in. I have experienced the ignorance of prejudice remarks from my own family. I know betrayal.  I know what it's like to fall in love and have that same person put a gun to your head. I know what it's like to repeat the cycle. I know how it feels to have your heart broken so many times you can't tell if you still have one.  I know how it feels to watch a room full of doctors fight to save your child's life. I know what it's like to end your child's life before it ever even began. I know what it's like to watch your oldest and dearest friend lose the battle with an evil disease. I know what "too many funerals" feels like. I know what it's like to love so hard there is nothing left of you. I know regrets. I know mistakes. I know redemption. There are people who know my story and commend me for getting to where I am with all I've been through. But the funny thing is when you look in the mirror you realize perception is not the same as reflection. I'm not there yet. But I will be. I am blessed to say I also know what it feels like to have a roof over your head every night. I know what it feels like to have a full pantry. I know what it's like to hear your children laugh and know they are doing just fine. I know what it's like to have real friends. I know what it's like to walk by faith, fall down and get back up.  I know how to pray. I know what it's like to really talk to God...and listen to the response. I know how it feels when a man really loves you. But more importantly, I finally know how it feels to really love yourself.  Through it all, that is the best lesson I have ever learned. For that I am grateful and I wouldn't change a thing. 

Self censorship.

I got home today completely exhausted. I attempted to lay down and take a nap (with the tv on) and failed miserably. I stumbled on this show, Bettheny  Getting Married? I have never watched it before, but I tuned into the part where she was in a fashion show with other celebrities and talked about the fact she wasn't 22 doing this, she was 39. Wow, that touched something deep down inside. I have a lot of dreams left over from childhood that I think I keep on the back burner because I think I've waited to long. I'm too old. I'm only 32. Why is it that sometimes I feel like I wasted all my "opportunity years." How crazy is that? I've spent the last two years learning to be more positive. Learning to walk by faith. Learning to remove all barriers and live the life I want to live, but secretly I am still doubting myself. What a revelation when all I really wanted was a nap. I needed that. I have had a day dealing with "grown up" issues like mortgages, bills, day job, schedules, etc. I actually let them stress me out? Not even listening to my own advice. So, I took the advice of a very special person, pulled out my journal and let it all out. All of it. For the first time I wrote without any censors. I have had journals my whole life. Most of them torn up or thrown away afraid to go back and read all of the horrible words in those notebooks. But even when I was writing,  I didn't let myself write down my real feelings. Not all of them. I used code words as if I were hiding from myself. So tonight was my first night of real journaling. Raw thoughts and emotions. Uncensored. Hiding nothing from myself. Everyday you learn a lesson. Today I am applying it. This journey looks like it will be a good one.