Blinders

Sometimes I look around and almost lose hope. It seems so many of us are operating with full blinders on. Why are we so afraid to see the truth? Why are we so inclined to lie to ourselves about our reality. It is because we would then be forced to actually do something about it? Stand up to it? Be the ones who initiate change? You must first be aware of your true reality before you can change it. In the past week, I have been instilled with new hope. I am seeing our young people rise up and start to tackle the things that live beyond the blinders. Seeing this is beautiful. I see where our world is headed and we will need this generation to be fearless and full of hope. It's the only way true change will ever transpire.

The Good Life

The past 2 weeks have been crazy. My beliefs have been challenged. My faith has been tested along with my patience. I've had some new amazing people enter my life and a few leave (or at least take a time out.) I've been shocked by people close to me I didn't think could shock me. I've come to terms with things I have been struggling with. But the result is a clearer vision of my future and purpose, even more appreciation for the special people in my life and greater love for myself. I am truly blessed and full of gratitude for the life I live. All of it, the good and the bad, is what makes it so beautiful.

Peace, be still.

I've read a lot of books over the last year. Books on the law of attraction and the power of thought. Books on belief and believing. Books on setting goals, planning and taking control of your own life. As you know, I've been in a growing stage. Through all the books, reflection, prayers and meditation I have learned a valuable lesson - to be still. I've spent so much of my life going all of the time. Working multiple jobs, juggling multiple responsibilities, missing sleep. I admit that I'm still always on go, but I've learned to take moments each day, be still and listen to what life is telling me. It's amazing what opens up to you when you learn to be still. In stillness, God speaks.

Simple

Today's post will be short and sweet and will sum up my life at the moment : Grateful.

GODSends

Had a great time talking to someone special today that I haven't talked to in a long time. There are some people that come into our life clueless of the impact they make on you. I would call them GODsends. He sends you who you need when you need them even if you don't realize it until they have done their job and are gone. These are the people in your life you should be eternally grateful for. The ones who guide your lessons, comfort you in the sad times, help to heal your heart and hurt your feelings when you really need them hurt to grow. Not everyone is meant to be there for a lifetime....but then again you never know. You still have your whole life ahead of you and true friends always come back around. 

Super Powers

On a daily basis I hear of incredible new super powers created in the mind of the most amazing boy I know. (I swear I am not biased just because I made him myself.) It's amazing the detail he puts into the characters he creates in his on-going action adventure. This is a game he has been playing for almost two years. And yes as he gets older it evolves and he never forgets a detail. It's quite mind blowing. As I was listening to my daily re-cap of this adventure, I began thinking about super powers. We all have super powers. Most of us just waste them, never tapping into them. We all have special gifts that make us who we are. So why don't we use them? We read about the super powers of those who have lived before us, but think for some reason we are not capable of these amazing things. Is it simply that we have lost our imagination? The capability of manifesting these powers with our thoughts? At what point in life do we lose this brilliant imagination? And how can we get it back? I pray that my son never loses his.

Love Lessons

 I can't believe it's almost October. This year has flew by. I have been reflecting on this year as I set some pretty big goals and sort of ended up on a different path. I want to make sure I'm not missing any lessons meant for me. If I had to give this year a title so far, it would be the year of "love lessons." If you have known me for a long time or paid any attention to my blog, you have an idea of my history with relationships. You would think I would have learned some things a long time ago, but some lessons you keep repeating because you don't like the truth in them. I've learned no matter how much you don't like the truth, it is a blessing and will set you free. I think I have learned the most lessons about love this year of my life than all of the other years combined. The biggest lesson I'm still learning is how to really be in love with me. For a long time, I had no clue. I loved others more than I loved myself and it caused me a lot of heartache and pain. It took me a long time to realize I had to love myself first. If I didn't know how to do that right, how I could never really love anyone else? And how could anyone else ever really love me? I've learned what love doesn't look like. I lied to myself about that one for a very long time. Love doesn't hurt. I've learned that love can come unexpectedly and sometimes instantly. I've learned that love doesn't mean you have to be with someone and you can love from afar. I've learned a lot about reasons, seasons and lifetimes. I've learned the heart is very resilient and is always capable of loving again no matter how broken you may think it is. Most or all, I've learned that if you live each day with love and put love into everything you do, love will always come back to you.  Spread luv. 

FYI...

Life is wonderful right now and I am so grateful for this moment I am in. My motivation is at an all time high - which means there will be some people who probably get upset with me. I am completely focused so if you don't hear from me, don't take it personal. It's not that I love you any less, it's that I have to give 100% to what I know I need to do. It's crazy how when you take the time to really do you and follow your dreams, the people who are too afraid to do that for themselves are the ones who will have the biggest problems with it. Misery loves company, but I don't know that b*tch.

It's on...

So I'm sort of in a battle against my self. Well maybe not a battle but a challenge. I reached that moment that you wait for but think it will never come. That "click" or "ah ha" or "get it" moment. When all the crap that you go through in life suddenly reveals it's purpose. Yes, that is the moment I am currently in. Gratitude swag in full effect right now. I won't share what it is that revealed itself to me...at least not yet. But trust me, it will reveal itself to the world soon enough. So, I will boldly say I have had a vision of my true purpose. Now, my challenge is to step out fully on faith and go all in on it. Guess my new tattoo had perfect timing. 

Busy Bee...

Pause....ok that's about the only break I have been able to take in over a week. My to do list runs into next year. But busy is much better than bored. Got some big things on that list. Can't wait. God is good. 

Set-Back

The enemy really goes all out when you are close to your breakthrough. So I've been sick for like a week. The kind where you have a lot to do but can't really function. But you still try to function anyway and in turn you just stay sick because you are not resting. Break the cycle. Anyway, this temporary set back from my new work out routine and projects at home has actually been a blessing in disguise. It has given me time to think. Like really think. Almost meditation, but not quite. Couldn't clear my mind of the pending projects at work and home completely. But still pretty close to meditation. Close enough to have some pretty awesome revelations. This is the part where I laugh in the enemy's face. Ha Ha Ha. This year is almost coming to a close. I got some big things to do before it does. Stay tuned....

Progress

So I started a new exercise routine and I'm seeing progress already. Only get one body, better take care of it right? I've also started a new sleeping routine and eating routine. Feeling better each day. Change is good. Mix that with the people in my life that make me smile on a daily basis and life is beautiful. If I had to describe myself in two words right now they would be: Blessed and Grateful.

Angel

Someone special reminded me of the path I am supposed to be on...how easily we can get distracted and led off into the bushes. Thank God for the Angels he places in your life. Whether they realize they are or not.

Life is good

I am truly blessed. I am grateful for my life. I wouldn't change any of the the experiences that have gotten me to this place. Good or bad they were all beautiful. It took me a minute to get to this place, but it's a wonderful place to be. I have wonderful people in my life that make me smile everyday. I learned how to let go of all the bs, including the people associated with it. I live each moment like it is the only one there is, because I know that each one counts. I can't express my gratitude enough. I look forward to giving back and helping others on their journey. After all, isn't that what this life is all about?

Where does the time go?

Time seems to be speeding up. Either that or I have been so busy lately it just flys by at a quicker pace. I have to say it's a good busy though. The type of busy where you just can't fit everything you want to do in because you are already do so many things you want to do. Plus, a little work. That is the way it should be. I finally learned how to live my life for me and it is the best feeling ever. I know that when my service here is done, I will be able to say that I lived fully. Each day, each moment. Life is beautiful. God is good.

Leeches

It's crazy that when you finally get to a point in life that you focus on your own happiness and everything is going well, the leeches come out in droves. Happiness leeches. They want to suck you into their misery. Can't stand you found a way out of it and they haven't. All I can do it pray for them and keep it moving. 

:)

Life is good. 

That is all for today. Spreadluv.

Weekend fun

What a weekend! Had fun hanging out with good friends and some new ones. Partied till the sun came up for my girl birthday. Can't remember the last time we did that. It's funny how things seem to happen out of pure coincidence - but if you really think about it - you planted those seeds. Life is crazy like that. Crazy Beautiful if you let it be. God is good all the time.

New Things

I'm really enjoying my life Right. I'm extremely busy as usual but my schedule now consists of a variety of things I do just for me. Things I do just to make me happy. I never made time for these things before. It has changed my life. I'm loving my writing class. Next up will be some sort of art class. I'm thinking painting, but maybe a drawing class. God gives you gifts for a reason. I can't let them sit dormant any longer. It's like waking up on Christmas morning as a kid and sitting next to your gifts with out touching them. What's the point? These are the things that nourish my soul. I've also recently started Taekwondo. I love the challenge. Life is good right now. God is good all the time.

Old Friends

I ran into my oldest, dearest friend today. I almost didn't recognize her.  I wasn't expecting to see her at all. When I did see her, I realized it's been a long, long time. She looked beautiful. I don't ever remember seeing her that happy. I was grateful. I embraced her and then we sat in silence for awhile. It was as if all of that time hadn't past. I let other people come into my life and put our relationship on the back burner. I lost site of what was important and who should be a priority in my life. But I learned from it all and realize I am a much better person for making those mistakes. I know now our relationship will be stronger than ever and we will never lose each other again. I ran into my oldest, dearest friend today. It happened when I took a real look in the mirror.  She's been waiting there all along.  

One of those days...

Today was hectic, long and at times annoying. I am grateful for every minute of it. I am truly blessed. God is good all the time.

Construction

It's funny how life happens. My closest friends are all going through some sort of re-construction phase in their lives. Me included. All for different reasons, but all very life changing experiences. It's not due to environment, because we are all spread out across the country. So maybe it's the age thing. Maybe this is what really happens in your 30s when you look back at your 20s and realize you are not the person you envisioned you would be. But who ever said that person you saw when you were 20 was really the person you were supposed to be at 30? What did you really know about yourself at 20? Exactly. So you made dumb choices and wonder where the time went. We all do. Some of us are still making the SAME dumb choices. That is how you get stuck. Learn from it and you will break the pattern. Anyway, my inner re-construction has caused me to re-construct the external space around me. Not only clearing more space to make room for those blessing waiting for me, but creating brand new spaces. New spaces for new phases in my life. Only this time, I know exactly who I am supposed to be right now. What do I see at 40? I think I will let that be a surprise. Can't wait to see though. 

Do you think you know me?

Now that my children are involved in various activities, I seem to get the exact same question by the established circle of "Moms" followed by the exact same looks. Particularly, when my teenage daughter randomly decides to support her brother's current activity. One of the "Moms" finally gets the nerve to ask in some I'm trying not to be obvious way "Is that your daughter?" When they get the answer they already knew, it is followed by "I thought she was your sister." Then, "You must have been really young." Immediately, their eyes go straight to my left hand. No, I'm not married. And never have been. I watch their imagination take flight, so I thought it might be useful to re-introduce myself. I am not just the "young" single mom. I am the girl that lived in a trailer park and got pregnant in high school. I am the one that had the crazy, abusive boyfriend. I had the second child with baby daddy #2. Neither bd's are in our lives. No father in my life, but he didn't leave us. He died. Guess you could say he left as he died from not taking care of his health, but not the stereotypical black men don't take care of their kids leaving. He was educated. A pharmacist. A veteran. Also, a cheater. But that's another story. I guess karma is a bitch. Anyway back to me. I spent a lot of time running the streets. I know too much about guns and drugs. I have four tattoos. At one point, even had my eyebrow pierced. I could go on. Confirm all of their assumptions. But that is just a small part of my story. I also have three college degrees. I am an adjunct professor and love to teach. I work at an advertising agency in a director level position. I recycle. I eat mostly organic foods. My children are both straight A students, athletes and artists. They don't talk back, throw fits or act ungrateful. We take vacations to new places every year and I make sure they learn something while we are there. You can find us at a bookstore at least once a week. We read several books a month. I bought a house for my mother. I could go on here too, but you get the point. We are so quick to judge, to assume. As the old saying goes, you should never judge a book by its cover. You don't know what people have been through or what they have accomplished until you get to know them. Take the time to find out. In most cases, you will be surprised.

Open book

I got some new ink this past weekend. My own visual interpretation of  2 Corinthians 5:7. It is the foundation of how I am trying to live my life. I really love it. Shot out to Joe Vegas at 13 Roses in East Atlanta. I will be back for more. I also recently started a new writing class. I am not happy with myself if I am not taking a class or teaching one. So right now I'm in my happy place. My 30s are not at all what I expected them to be. If you have been following me, you have had glimpses of the ups and downs. I've shared parts of my growth. I realize that I haven't been documenting all that I should. I haven't been sharing all of my "chronicles." I know there are lessons in my omissions and I'm sure there are many of you who can relate.  So I will do a better job sharing those lessons. In some cases, I may change the names or locations to protect the innocent. :) Take this as a warning: If you are in my life, you may end up on my blog. I'm learning a lot about love lately. Mostly that what I thought was love in the past wasn't. Or maybe it was but the people involved, myself included, just didn't know how to express it right. Or maybe we knew but were too scared or too selfish to. All in all, I am in a great place in my life. There will always be challenges. It's how we overcome those challenges that makes us who we are. So moving forward, my book is open, not just cracked. Feel free to follow as I stumbled through the scenes, pages and chapters.

Change

There are times in life when you have to make changes. Some are planned, some are forced. Sometimes life puts you in a place where you need to re-evaluate everything you thought you knew and discover what really is. Sometimes you realize you only saw what you wanted to see or heard what you wanted to hear. All the while ignoring what you really felt. That knowing deep down inside that we tend to ignore if it some way interferes with what we think we want at that moment. It's when we really learn how to tune into this knowing, sometimes called intuition, we begin to see that God has always been there to guide us. We just have to make the choice to follow Him. It's that whole free will thing and making our own decisions that sometimes messes us up. Until the point in life where you are forced to make a change. If you really pay attention to that moment and the lesson in it, you will be grateful for it.

Turning the other cheek....

Is not an easy thing to do. We expect that people will treat us with the same respect we treat them. We expect that people we are there for be there for us. We expect the people we love to love us back. The problem is most of the time people don't live up to your expectations. So we get mad, feel hurt, want to punish them for not being who or what we want them to be. But if you really think about it, they probably showed you who they really were from the very start. But you brushed it off, thought they would change. Made excuses for it. We all do it. Until one day we learn the lesson that the only person you can set expectations for is yourself. All you can do is pray for everyone else and lead by example.

What a week...

From MIA tenants, relationships pushed to the edge, rush projects to 12 hour work days, lost dogs and missed appointments. This has been a week. But I know the worst storms produce the best rainbows and the hardest rain produces the best gardens so let it rain, can't wait to see what blooms.

What a day...

If God tested you the same day the devil tried you it would probably look similar to my day today. But I thank God for blessing me with it. Learned some more lessons, spent time with my son and came home a house full of everything I need. I'm grateful. No matter what, God is good all the time.

The realist ish I ever wrote...

I've seen many things in my life. Survived even more. I know what it's like to watch your father die, when you are not old enough to understand death. I know what it's like to watch your mother lose herself at that same moment. I know what it's like being forced to deal with the random men that follow that kind of heart break. I know how it feels to be the one that doesn't match, doesn't fit in. I have experienced the ignorance of prejudice remarks from my own family. I know betrayal.  I know what it's like to fall in love and have that same person put a gun to your head. I know what it's like to repeat the cycle. I know how it feels to have your heart broken so many times you can't tell if you still have one.  I know how it feels to watch a room full of doctors fight to save your child's life. I know what it's like to end your child's life before it ever even began. I know what it's like to watch your oldest and dearest friend lose the battle with an evil disease. I know what "too many funerals" feels like. I know what it's like to love so hard there is nothing left of you. I know regrets. I know mistakes. I know redemption. There are people who know my story and commend me for getting to where I am with all I've been through. But the funny thing is when you look in the mirror you realize perception is not the same as reflection. I'm not there yet. But I will be. I am blessed to say I also know what it feels like to have a roof over your head every night. I know what it feels like to have a full pantry. I know what it's like to hear your children laugh and know they are doing just fine. I know what it's like to have real friends. I know what it's like to walk by faith, fall down and get back up.  I know how to pray. I know what it's like to really talk to God...and listen to the response. I know how it feels when a man really loves you. But more importantly, I finally know how it feels to really love yourself.  Through it all, that is the best lesson I have ever learned. For that I am grateful and I wouldn't change a thing. 

Self censorship.

I got home today completely exhausted. I attempted to lay down and take a nap (with the tv on) and failed miserably. I stumbled on this show, Bettheny  Getting Married? I have never watched it before, but I tuned into the part where she was in a fashion show with other celebrities and talked about the fact she wasn't 22 doing this, she was 39. Wow, that touched something deep down inside. I have a lot of dreams left over from childhood that I think I keep on the back burner because I think I've waited to long. I'm too old. I'm only 32. Why is it that sometimes I feel like I wasted all my "opportunity years." How crazy is that? I've spent the last two years learning to be more positive. Learning to walk by faith. Learning to remove all barriers and live the life I want to live, but secretly I am still doubting myself. What a revelation when all I really wanted was a nap. I needed that. I have had a day dealing with "grown up" issues like mortgages, bills, day job, schedules, etc. I actually let them stress me out? Not even listening to my own advice. So, I took the advice of a very special person, pulled out my journal and let it all out. All of it. For the first time I wrote without any censors. I have had journals my whole life. Most of them torn up or thrown away afraid to go back and read all of the horrible words in those notebooks. But even when I was writing,  I didn't let myself write down my real feelings. Not all of them. I used code words as if I were hiding from myself. So tonight was my first night of real journaling. Raw thoughts and emotions. Uncensored. Hiding nothing from myself. Everyday you learn a lesson. Today I am applying it. This journey looks like it will be a good one.

Follow the leader...

So this journey through round 2 is nothing like I expected. If you asked me six months ago if I had a plan for my life. Most definitely I would have said yes. I was headed down a path that I knew very well. I saw my future. Everything had its place in life. Then along the way, things changed. I found out that people weren't really who I thought they were and my whole world turned upside down. Funny how it works that way, just when you think you have everything all figured out and accept it, God puts you on a completely different path. Now here I am. Staring down this road I never thought I would be on. Scared of the possibilities, but yet excited about them at the same time. What do you do when everything you thought you ever wanted ends up staring you in the face, but you weren't expecting it? Do you let the fear of it not being real keep you from grabbing hold, or do you jump in without testing the water? Who knows. That is what makes life amazing. You never know what to expect. But I am learning that if you just live in each moment and make the most of it, what lies ahead never really matters. What lies behind you doesn't matter either. The only thing you can't take back in life is the time you gave to something or someone. So here is to this moment. Me and my computer, doing what I love, reflecting on love and hoping that through it all, I am also spreading love and living in gratitude. God is good all the time.

Inspiration

I have kind of been in a funk this past week or so.  I couldn't seem to shake it. I lost my motivation. Didn't feel the drive I normally feel. I felt tired, run down, sad at times. It seemed life was throwing me curve balls two at a time...and then BAM! As I was driving home today, it hit me. Inspiration hit me so hard I had to pull over and pull the notebook out of my purse. (Yes, I now carry one at all times, the result of my recent trip- still need to write about that I know.) In a matter of minutes, I had filled several pages. It flowed from my soul. The release felt better than therapy, massages and chocolate all wrapped up in one. Then it hit me. I have not been writing. I let life get in the way again and stopped doing what I love the most. I can't remember the last time I did a photo shoot for myself. I haven't written consistently on my blogs for weeks.  But, one line, in one song, slapped me into gear. Thank God for music. Hearing someone else pour their soul into their craft reminded me of this journey I'm on and forced me to pull out of the rest stop. The fire inside is lit again...and for that I am forever grateful. Inspiration- you never know what you might spark inside someone else simply by doing what you love. So get on the road and get out there. Live, Love, Life.

Shorter Chapters

Just got back from vacation. It was a great vacation.  Started out with a flight that changed my views on love and life. I had several awakenings within. Met some great new people, spent time with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I will share those stories later. But for now, I realized that when you actively seek growth in your life, the chapters become shorter. You move on to the next wonderful thing sooner cause you learn to find the lesson the first time it is revealed. That is a beautiful thing. Right now, I am completely exhausted and sleep is calling my name. Just wanted to share that tidbit of wisdom I gained. Sweet dreams...

Just when you think Life can't be more amazing...

It is. Funny how you can get a wake up call in the middle of chaos. I had an epiphany today. In the middle of what seemed like the longest work day ever...it hit me. When my brain didn't have time to think. Something came out through my spirit. Wheels are turning. I'm on a mission. God is good all the time. Stay tuned...this is just the beginning.

Torn

What do  you do when your heart and mind don't agree? Who is the mediator? What do you do when you want to help but know you shouldn't? What do you do when you want to walk away but can't? What do you do when you are torn? One word. Pray.

The meaning of it all..

So over the past few weeks, I have started to notice the impact I am beginning to have on others in my life. I am beginning to see the meaning of it all. I am beginning to see why God put me through the things I endured and how I can use those lessons to help others who are dealing with similar situations or similar issues. Helping someone else is the best feeling in the world and makes any amount of pain I have ever experienced completely worth it. You have one life. Learn the lessons. Live the life. Spread luv along the way. God is good all the time.

Healing

I look around at the people in my life and see them where I used to be. I wish I could pull them along, but I can't. I'm on my own journey and they have their own lessons to learn. It gets really hard sometimes as I secretly want to save the world. I want to heal everyone and eliminate all of the self destruction that is the real cause of all the issues. But I can't. That is not my job. I cannot heal the world, but I can heal myself and along the way, spread love. As I do this, maybe those I spread love to will do the same for someone else. Imagine if everyone only helped one other person, what would the world really look like? So simple, yet so impossible. I will hold on to my dreams of healing the world and do my part spreading all the love I can each day. Hopefully, people will catch on and we will all break the chains. Spread a little love today. It could make all the difference. 

All I can do...

...is pray for you. There are some people in our lives we love so much we would do just about anything to help them, fix them, give them happiness, make them whole. To the point where we start to harm ourselves and block our own happiness. There comes a time when you have done everything you can, and all that is left for you to do is pray. We forget the power of prayer. We try to take on the world and everyone's problems and issues. I'm at the point where all I can do is wish you health, happiness and keep you in my prayers. Praying is the most powerful thing I can do, I promise I will continue to pray for you. But you also have to pray for yourself. God is good all the time.

In this moment...

The past month and a half of my life has been like a roller coaster ride. The kind that scares you but leaves you full of smiles and laughter. Not the kind that scares you and leaves you horribly sick. I've had enough of those rides. Before I boarded this ride, I made up my mind that it would be one that I would enjoy. I had just got off the longest, most painful ride to date and wasn't quite sure how to get the deathly sick feeling it left behind out of my system. Then I realized, it was easy. All I had to do was choose the type of ride I wanted to be on. The best ride of all is the one you experience in the moment. Let go and let it take  you where ever the path leads. Happiness is a choice. If you are on the wrong ride, simply get off and choose another. (Oh, by the way, leave the aggravating, misery loves company,  passengers on the one you got off. Don't accidentally take them with you on your new ride or it will still end up making you sick.) Finally learned what it really means when someone says "I'm doing me." Feels so good.

Unbreakable

So I thought I was back when I posted my last post, but I still had some things to go through or should I say let go of before I could move on to this new journey. The 3 things I have learned over the past year:

1- Happiness is a choice

2- First and foremost, I must be so in love with me

3- I can go through anything as long as my faith is unbreakable

Onto the next chapter...can't wait for the lessons this year will bring. Big things are in store for sure. My faith is unbreakable. Bring on the adventure!

Twenty-two!

I'm back from hiatus - permanently this time. New Year, New Beginnings. I got to work this morning and the first quote I saw was:

"It's never too late to become the person you might have been." - George Elliot

What a great quote. Life is short, but amazing if you make it that way. This is the year that will change everything. I have a lot of plans and continue to be grateful for the abundance of blessings I already have. To all my peeps- it’s our time- let’s get it.

Happy Birthday to me. I love you. :)